So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize