They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I'm getting married
To pizza
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
