11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
