i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
