Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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