How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Randomize
