I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Randomize
