never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
