My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
