so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
