Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
