After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
