why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
True strength comes from lack of pants
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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