my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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