those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Randomize
