Would you object to my putting the bidet video on my Facebook page? It;s awesome.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
