Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
