I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
