No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
