hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
