I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
