sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
