i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
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