my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
