We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
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