You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
my phone needs a breathalizer
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
