I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
