Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
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