i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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