Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
you will always have a special place in my vag
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
