She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
