Have you finally orgasmed yet?
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
