Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
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