I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
