I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Randomize
