fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Randomize
