my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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