I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
Randomize
