I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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