he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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