thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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