Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize