god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
