He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
