Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
