oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
