Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
