his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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