My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
