Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
