Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
