I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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