I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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