Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Randomize
