Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
