so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
