Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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