dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
