Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
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