Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
